I've had so many different things I want to talk about but I keep forgetting or deciding that they sound too whiny...
But when I look deeper at everything I guess it comes down to loneliness and how I combat it, or why I feel so lonely, what made it that way, and why I didn't feel like this before.
I think I've reached a point where I've pushed everyone away. I don't want them getting close, getting to know me. They won't like me. They won't stay. No one has before.
I don't like that I've become this brick wall of a person. Hell I don't really even feel like a person at all. More like an object. Something people waste their time on when there's nothing better around. And as soon as something better is found I'm left to be by myself again and wonder what I did wrong. I'm not a people pleaser. Far from it. But if I really care about someone I'll do everything I can for them. And it sucks when you do that for someone who in the end decides you're just not worth it.
So I like keeping to myself. Well, okay, I don't like it, but I tolerate it and I'm content. I'd rather keep to myself than deal with all these fake people pretending they like me when it's clear I'm a back up plan.
Even the people I live with. I'm an object. More like a robot so I can work and all that. But I don't feel like a real person to them either.
I wanted this year to find myself. I know that's a lifetimes journey but I wanted to at least stop feeling so lost and confused. I'm not anymore. I've accomplished that much. I know who I am. But why can't I let anyone else know that either? And why can't I know who I am with somebody? Not even relationship wise. I'm do e with those for a while. I was hurt really badly and I don't intend to go through that again for a long time. No, I just want someone I can be me with, let everything go. Not have to fake things or hide, not feel like I have to keep my mouth shut for fear of being judged. I think they call them friends...
