i WILL know love, just not with you

"Those voices in my head are killing me, my failures are killing me, my loneliness is killing me, my head is killing me, i can’t sleep, life is pointless and i’m worthless, i’m stupid, i’m scared, i’m bored, i’m hopeless, i’m lonely, i’m boring, i’m dumb, i’m young, i’m tired, i’m sick, i’m crazy, i lost my mind, i lost my self, i lost my faith in every thing,
i don’t wanna go out, i don’t wanna stay home, i don’t wanna stay up, i can’t sleep, i don’t wanna talk, i need someone who will listen, i don’t wanna live, i don’t want to die, i’m insecure, i’m not okay,
when i talk to people i hate myself more., i want to scream to the top of my voice, i’m so angry.
i don’t know what to do, there’s nothing i can do.
nothing can fix me, no one will help.
it’s all inside me it’s me, i’m the problem.
i can’t help myself."

i found this online somewhere a couple years ago ( i think it was on grouphug) and saved it because it really rang true. it was during my senior year of highschool, and i was going through a rough patch. and for some reason i never deleted it. i think a large part of why i still have it, is that it reminds me everyday when i see it ( it's kept on a sticky note on my desktop) that many people feel this way everyday. sad isn't it?
since discovering this i've had even lower lows, and even some highs in life. the lowest point was fall of 2012. i was hella depressed. i became completely nocturnal. slept all day and cried all night. and it all stemmed from lonliness and a sense of worthlessness. i had just been dumped you see. by my first love, and my best friend. two and a half years together thrown away so simply it seemed. and while i was choking on my own tears everynight, everything for him seemed fine. moving on, living, and forgetting about me seemed so easy.
the only reason i'm mentioning all this now is because the other day someone said something to me that was completely uncalled for. i haven't been in a relationship since highschool. and that's fine. i do't mind, in fact i enjoy it. but there was someone special that i cared about. i just, didn't love him. not the way he wanted me to. and the other night, in a final standoff he sad this to me. "you will never know what love is"
as my friend said when i told her about this "there's a line between being a jerk and being a straight up asshole. he crossed it"
i don't wanna sound whiny or melodramatic or anything, but i was pretty goddamn torn up when my ex left me. and it took me a long time to get over it. in fact it's only recently that i've really started to feel ok again. and that's because i LOVED him. with all i had. everylast piece of me was invested in what i once had. i was young, hell i still am, but i was old enough and spent enough time with one person to know that i loved him.
so to be told that you don't know what love is, and that you never will, by someone who's upset because you don't love them IN THE WAY THAT THEY WANT, is a real slap to the face. to anyone. then taking into account that the quote at the beginning of this post is a very accurate description of how i feel ALL THE TIME, it hurt even more.
ugh blehhhhhh.
i just needed to get that out.
think about what you want to say before you say it.
because there is a line.

new year

New year, same rules. 

Yeah that's right. Same rules. I'm not changing anything. Because I learned a lot from 2013, and I went through a lot, and for all it's ups and downs it wasn't bad. I don't make resolutions. I pick a quote instead, to guide me and kind of be my motto for the year. In 2012 it was "not all those who wander are lost" and in 2013 it was "it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." So what is it this year? "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" 

To remind me not to keep bad company. To not ignore harmful relationships, and all the drama that comes with them. To remind me that I don't need to change for anyone, because if they truly loved ME, they would love me for who I truly am. 

who you are

how do you know when you've finally discovered who you are?
or can you ever know?
we as humans are ever changing entities, the person i was this time last year seems practically non existant.
Yet at the time i thought i was ME. so is me ever changing? i must be. change is the only thing that's constant right?

flames

tonight the sky was on fire, the trees are on fire, and my soul is on fire
not a fire, but a flame, and it is going out like my spirit
there is a flame at the end of my cigarette and it is killing me one beautiful dragon breath at a time.
like water for chocolate, there are matches within all of us,  lit when we contain too much emotion, burning us out bit by bit, and finally there is nothing left but an empty match box, a shell.
and i will continue to burn bit by bit, dying down slowly and going out with one final brilliant burst. a flame.

maybe i was right before...

i like college. it's a pretty neat place. that being said I'm glad i decided to come and "further my education" BUT i also can say that i was happier doing my own thing.
college has it's benefits. a degree is a pretty helpful thing in our world now, and being surrounded by people who like you have made the decision to attend the same place. like that whole first day speech " you already have something in common with all these people. they too have decided to enhance their lives by continuing their education, and they too, have chosen this fine establishment in which to do that in."
yeah yeah blah blah blah.
it's come to my attention lately that a lot of what college does is preach college. but there's really no need to do that, we're already here.
i had a day a while back where i was in my psych class and my teacher was talking to us about this thing called "emerging adulthood" (a pretty neat topic if you ask me), and the conversation turned to how some people are denied this stage in their lives, and those of is most likely to have this stage were likely to enter secondary education. ok that's cool i see that. and then she was talking about some of the benefits of coming to college. and that's where i started to get frustrated. "people come to college to be able to learn more  about other cultures and ways" "people come to college to become more open-minded" "people who don't continue their education won't be as open to new ideas and cultures because they haven't been exposed to them"
UM HELLO? college is just an OPTION.
as someone who never wanted to attend, i can be pretty clear on this. IT'S AN OPTION. you do not HAVE to attend college. you could go to trade school ( like my father did), you could create your own business, you could travel.... there are other options out there. and guess what? college will always be an option.
what annoyed me about this statement was that she was proceeding to tell us (in a pretty close-minded way if you ask me) that college is about opening your mind.
does anyone else spot the contradiction? please say yes so i don't feel like a crazy over-reactive bitch.
it happened again today in an event i had to attend for psych class. though he was annoying me for other reasons as well ( like referring to children with aspergers syndrome as "aspies." personally i found it not very PC. you're a professional in your field. use correct terminology, not potentially offensive slang please.)
anyway. yeah. lately more and more often i'm wishing i wasn't in school. sure i'm "learning" but honestly a lot of this isn't really... gonna be helpful or useful in the long run. and we're paying a shit ton for this. Honestly my experience in Spain taught me a lot more than this. and i was happier too!
hmmm

3 am

It's three am and I ought to sleep. I want to sleep. But memories of you keep me lying awake. Remembering what it felt like to be held, to fall asleep wrapped in your arms, the one place I ever felt safe. The place you told me was safe.

Remembering what it felt like to need you. That physical urge tugging and tugging, molding myself closer and closer to you until finally we were one, and I was released into a spiral of love and peace and calm. 

Rediscovering love in a bed of ferns, blanketed by the sun, and feeding on each other. Holding you close to me, feeling your heart beat, and hearing you say it beat for me. 

Remembering what it was like to be loved. 

And now I can no longer feel the power of that emotion. It slips through my fingers, and I watch it go, scared it's leaving but even more terrified to try and make it stay.

Because I no longer fall asleep wrapped in your arms. I no longer feel safe. I no longer have you. And so it's three in the morning and I do not sleep. I feel, I ache, I remember.

loyalty

sometimes you're faced with a really hard decision.
sometimes you know something and you know that it could affect someone else, someone you're close to.
sometimes you were involved in those somethings you know. even if you yourself didn't do anything to betray anyone.
but what do you do after it's all been said and done.
do you fess up? knowing that whoever could be affected by it deserves to know?
or when you're sure that they'd never find out otherwise, do you just let it be?
me? i'm the kind of person who fesses up. loyalty and trust are really important to me.
i live by a general rule of  "would i want this to happen to me?"
meaning that if i wouldn't want it happening to me i wouldn't do it to anyone else.
i've known people in the past who aren't so great at following this. who have a different moral code than i do. which is fine. ethics are different for every person. you can't just make one rule and expect it to apply to everyone equally. it doesn't work like that.
but i live by a "do unto others mindset"
that doesn't make it any easier to fess up, when you know something. it's still almost impossible to do. i'll admit sometimes i get a little selfish and think what the reaction towards ME will be. will i be a rat? will i be seen in a bad light? will i no longer have this person in my life?
but my loyalty is to my friends and myself. and if they don't want me in their life, then i as a friend must respect that.
but why does it have to be so hard?!?!?!