"Those voices in my head are killing me, my failures are killing me, my loneliness is killing me, my head is killing me, i can’t sleep, life is pointless and i’m worthless, i’m stupid, i’m scared, i’m bored, i’m hopeless, i’m lonely, i’m boring, i’m dumb, i’m young, i’m tired, i’m sick, i’m crazy, i lost my mind, i lost my self, i lost my faith in every thing,
i don’t wanna go out, i don’t wanna stay home, i don’t wanna stay up, i can’t sleep, i don’t wanna talk, i need someone who will listen, i don’t wanna live, i don’t want to die, i’m insecure, i’m not okay,
when i talk to people i hate myself more., i want to scream to the top of my voice, i’m so angry.
i don’t know what to do, there’s nothing i can do.
nothing can fix me, no one will help.
it’s all inside me it’s me, i’m the problem.
i can’t help myself."
i found this online somewhere a couple years ago ( i think it was on grouphug) and saved it because it really rang true. it was during my senior year of highschool, and i was going through a rough patch. and for some reason i never deleted it. i think a large part of why i still have it, is that it reminds me everyday when i see it ( it's kept on a sticky note on my desktop) that many people feel this way everyday. sad isn't it?
since discovering this i've had even lower lows, and even some highs in life. the lowest point was fall of 2012. i was hella depressed. i became completely nocturnal. slept all day and cried all night. and it all stemmed from lonliness and a sense of worthlessness. i had just been dumped you see. by my first love, and my best friend. two and a half years together thrown away so simply it seemed. and while i was choking on my own tears everynight, everything for him seemed fine. moving on, living, and forgetting about me seemed so easy.
the only reason i'm mentioning all this now is because the other day someone said something to me that was completely uncalled for. i haven't been in a relationship since highschool. and that's fine. i do't mind, in fact i enjoy it. but there was someone special that i cared about. i just, didn't love him. not the way he wanted me to. and the other night, in a final standoff he sad this to me. "you will never know what love is"
as my friend said when i told her about this "there's a line between being a jerk and being a straight up asshole. he crossed it"
i don't wanna sound whiny or melodramatic or anything, but i was pretty goddamn torn up when my ex left me. and it took me a long time to get over it. in fact it's only recently that i've really started to feel ok again. and that's because i LOVED him. with all i had. everylast piece of me was invested in what i once had. i was young, hell i still am, but i was old enough and spent enough time with one person to know that i loved him.
so to be told that you don't know what love is, and that you never will, by someone who's upset because you don't love them IN THE WAY THAT THEY WANT, is a real slap to the face. to anyone. then taking into account that the quote at the beginning of this post is a very accurate description of how i feel ALL THE TIME, it hurt even more.
ugh blehhhhhh.
i just needed to get that out.
think about what you want to say before you say it.
because there is a line.
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