3 am

It's three am and I ought to sleep. I want to sleep. But memories of you keep me lying awake. Remembering what it felt like to be held, to fall asleep wrapped in your arms, the one place I ever felt safe. The place you told me was safe.

Remembering what it felt like to need you. That physical urge tugging and tugging, molding myself closer and closer to you until finally we were one, and I was released into a spiral of love and peace and calm. 

Rediscovering love in a bed of ferns, blanketed by the sun, and feeding on each other. Holding you close to me, feeling your heart beat, and hearing you say it beat for me. 

Remembering what it was like to be loved. 

And now I can no longer feel the power of that emotion. It slips through my fingers, and I watch it go, scared it's leaving but even more terrified to try and make it stay.

Because I no longer fall asleep wrapped in your arms. I no longer feel safe. I no longer have you. And so it's three in the morning and I do not sleep. I feel, I ache, I remember.

loyalty

sometimes you're faced with a really hard decision.
sometimes you know something and you know that it could affect someone else, someone you're close to.
sometimes you were involved in those somethings you know. even if you yourself didn't do anything to betray anyone.
but what do you do after it's all been said and done.
do you fess up? knowing that whoever could be affected by it deserves to know?
or when you're sure that they'd never find out otherwise, do you just let it be?
me? i'm the kind of person who fesses up. loyalty and trust are really important to me.
i live by a general rule of  "would i want this to happen to me?"
meaning that if i wouldn't want it happening to me i wouldn't do it to anyone else.
i've known people in the past who aren't so great at following this. who have a different moral code than i do. which is fine. ethics are different for every person. you can't just make one rule and expect it to apply to everyone equally. it doesn't work like that.
but i live by a "do unto others mindset"
that doesn't make it any easier to fess up, when you know something. it's still almost impossible to do. i'll admit sometimes i get a little selfish and think what the reaction towards ME will be. will i be a rat? will i be seen in a bad light? will i no longer have this person in my life?
but my loyalty is to my friends and myself. and if they don't want me in their life, then i as a friend must respect that.
but why does it have to be so hard?!?!?!

craving that bite

i thought this was over.
this empty, vacant, knotted feeling. it's been so long since i last fought myself.
i was happy. oddly enough.
and now..it's back.
this feeling of loneliness.
emptiness
knotted.
nauseous but with nothing to vomit up.
and i'm sitting here trying to block it out. to find something to take my mind off of it.
it's not working.
so now i'm clenching my fists, struggling to find the words to write this, and doing my best to focus on something other than the biting pain that i know fixes this.
and it's hard.
it's really, really hard.

back to the grind

i reallllly hope that now i'm back at school and not working 24/7 i'll be able to keep up with this. i mean it's for me because no one really reads this haha.
anyway. back at school. blah blah blah.
what's really on my mind?
health (excercise, smoking, diet)
food (i'm hungry)
hooping
homework (ew back at school)
adventuring downtown
running into people from my past downtown

and i'm lonely. and honestly a little worried the depressions coming back.
that feeling of emptiness and loneliness, and apathy. feeling tired ALL the time.
that's how i feel lately. at least when i'm not hooping!
that seems to be the only thing that really makes me happy these days. but i think part of that is that it keeps me busy. i'm focusing so hard on whatever trick i'm attempting, or the tempo of the music so i can move with it.
hooping is a lot of fun you guys. i've always loved hula hoops. but this summer when i finally picked one up again it was incredible. and now i'm getting really into it. i wanna hoop dance. and it's HARD, but fun. and such a good work out!
now i'm honestly just rambling...
ah well.