motives and what they make us

so you believe in motiveless action?
like is it possible to do something for no reason, and do we ever?
what is a motiveless action? things we do simply by instinct? like breathing or eating? but those have motive too.
so what about times where we make kinda dumb decisions? and later we say that it was nothing. is it?
there must be some underlying thought or feeling driving you to do what you did.
it's why i don't believe that cheating is something that you can justify by saying it meant nothing. but it wouldn't have happened if you wanted it to. you wanted it. you did it. you meant it.

i've been doing a bit of thinking this weekend, about some of my actions, and feelings and the motives behind them. often times i'll do something, and know it's rash (and oftentimes unnecessary), but i'll do it anyway. thinking back i look at a lot that i've done just to spite people. just to be able to say "hey! you don't want me?! they do!" or "i don't need someone like you in my life because all you do is villianise me"
*note- not sure if villianise is a word or if it is if i've spelled it correctly. look it up later*
the concept of a rebel is probably a good one with my parents. though i'll admit oftentimes the things i do that drive them the craziest are things that i want for me, not to upset them. i challenge them, push them to their limits.
but in other cases? i'll admit, when i'm upset with someone i subconciously put a fair amount of effort into upsetting them. i don't do it to hurt them. just to make them think of me. sounds kinda sketch doesn't it. kinda, psychopath behavior?? oh dear.

anyway. the point is that i've been looking at a lot of my actions and realizing that there were some terrible motives within them. and those motives, no matter how aware of them i really was at the time, made me a bully.

that's not ok. bullying is not ok. it's become such a huge issue in our society, and i'm glad that it's finally being noticed as a legitimate problem.  it is actually hurting people. whether you're physically bullying someone, or verbally bullying them. whether you are messing with them, physically, emotionally, or mentally, you are messing with them. potentially scarring them for the rest of their life. you are manipulating them. and honestly i believe, trying to take away the happiness of another simply because you are not happy either.
that's when i've realized that i do it.

so anyway the other day an old friend of mine was presenting a senior project on bullying, and it got me thinking. and i realized that an awful lot of that negative attitude and behavior had gone towards her recently. quite possibly ( ok scratch that, definitely) a large part of why we no longer spoke.
as a part of her project she needed an interactive activity for people who came to her presentation.
one suck activity involved a template for writing poems from the point of view of two people. a bully, and the one being bullied.
i filled out the bully part first, and actually never moved on to the bullied, as i realized i at that momentt, identified more with the bully.
so here's what i came up with.
I AM powerful
I WONDER if i can ever stop
I HEAR silence as i walk by
I SEE power, control, dominance
I WANT to be known and to have control
I AM alone

I PRETEND i don't care
I FEEL numb and alone
I TOUCH the scars made at home
I WORRY i will never have control
I CRY when i'm alone
I AM dead inside

I UNDERSTAND i'm hurting them
I SAY i don't care
I DREAM of being one of them
I TRY to connect
I HOPE this ends
I AM powerless

now keep in mind that these were just my answers. these aren't trying to be from the point of view of every person. everyone feels differently.

anyway. the second part, which i'm planning on writing soon, is the same beginning words (in caps) just followed by the point of view of the one being bullied.

so, i leave you with this.... is there such a thing as motiveless action? have you ever committed a motiveless act?

I wish I could put down in words...

I wish I could put down in words just how you make me feel. 

I wish I could find a way to perfectly describe how I feel inside when you're around, and when you're absent. 

I wish it was possible for me to tell you these things or at least TRY to explain it. I wish it was possible for you to shut your mouth for once and listen. I mean really listen. To take it in, to process it, to think about where I'm coming from and why I am saying these things to you. 

I wish you'd acknowledge that there are other people, other opinions, other feelings that you have trampled all over without a care. I wish you could look at yourself, and then back at me and understand why I am the way I am around you. I wish you could see that all these things that you dislike in me were created by you. 

I am the makings of those around me. 

I am the makings of all of you. 

prom is totally overrated

prom. even the word makes me shudder. while to some people it's apparantly a dream, for me it's always been a nightmare. i mean who really wants to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress that you're going to wear once, shoes that are going to KILL your feet, hair that's just gonna fall down or be taken out the next day, or even as soon as you get home, and then getting piles and piles of make up caked on your face, all for what?
a couple hours of ridiculous dancing with a mess of people, the majority of whom you don't even know, or like. 

thank god the high school i went to didn't have a prom. granted that's cause if we did there'd be maybe.... 20 people. and that's a generous estimate....
i managed to get through my high school years without having to go through the torture of prom, but last night i attended the local public high schools prom, and it was quite possibly the most overrated thing i've ever seen. 

i mean yuck. just no. the whole concept must just go over my head, because the fact that people could be excited and wait their whole lives for something like that just blows my mind. 

what exactly is the draw of prom anyway?

can someone please explain it to me?

Removing masks

Sometimes it just gets so tiring pretending to be something you're not. You know? My whole life I've been wearing masks of one sort or another. When I was younger it was the shy mask. The one that I put on to make it be ok to be alone with a book all the time. I mean don't get me wrong, I loved reading and still do, but I still wanted to be a part of the group, be able to run around and say crazy things and be accepted for it not actually be looked at like I was crazy.

In high school it was a different mask, though I still haven't identified just what it was. And the past few years it's been the "everything's fine, I'm little miss sunshine" mask. 

Yes there are things that make me happy. Reading, and being around little kids. Little kids. I love them. Because everything in their world is ok. They don't have to be wearing masks, and their emotions are so fleeting and the smallest things can make them so happy. And they love everyone unconditionally. 

But I'm so often cut off from that, and I just don't know what to do. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I just want to run. To leave, to escape everything I've ever known and start over. To be able to leave this place I hate so much, these people who are so fake, and gahhh. 

Yes I want to escape it all. And I have my ways of doing it, but sometimes it just feels like it's never enough. 

But who's left to talk me down? What else is thee that I can stay for? 

I'll let you know when I find it. 

Usually it's obligations. Like this summer like a lot of recent past ones, I do not want to be here. But I made a promise to be here to work no matter how much I hate it, because I never go back on my word. 

I'm rambling.... 

I just needed to write, to get all this nonsense out of my system to calm down. To breathe. To stay.

memories suck sometimes

well, if any of you by some weird twist are reading this blog, and if by some weirder twist you have born with me through all my whining, and complaining, you are probably going to leave after this post.
this is self pity i suppose. and something i should be over.
i've been home for 4 days and already i'm resorting back to the rut i was in last fall. which was severe depression. for anyone who thinks i'm little miss sunshine, that might be a shock to hear. but anyone who really truly knows me knows that i've had some issues. but somehow i hold it together in front of all of you.
now that i'm back home, i've settled back into that. i think a lot of it is simply the fact that i'm so alone. or at least i feel that way.
there's a lot of memories floating around here, and they all revolve around one person and a span of two and a half years. i've known that i'm not over it no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise, no matter what i do.
today's sucked. for a stupid pathetic reason. three years ago today i kissed my best friend. which in turn led to those two and a half years of memories.
which is why today i'm sobbing and feeling sick to my stomach, and fighting the urge to self destruct.
i know how pathetic it sounds to self destruct because of a failed relationship, but it's more than that.
it stems from that. but that's not why.
i've spent years of my life feeling like i'm not good enough for anyone or anything. years. and in that relationship, i thought that maybe for the first time i was worth it to someone. then he decided i wasn't worth it.
when you lose the one thing that makes you feel safe, and like life is worth sticking around for... it's hard.
for the longest time he was the one that kept me from that pain. that sensation of burning stinging pain, leaving a permanent reminder of the moment. all i had to do was think of him and how disappointed and hurt he looked every time he saw a new mark, and i could stop and breathe, even though it was still a fight.
now though... who can i call? who can i turn to? who will make me calm down and breathe and realize that it's not what i want to do, that it's not the only option i have.
he said he still cared, and he would care if i hurt myself, but i no longer can go to him, to make me feel better.
and it makes me feel more alone than ever.
i know i remember and i'm upset, but i also know that it's so far from his mind and that he has no idea. and that he no longer thinks of me, no longer has the memories that i do, and that for him it's over, and never happening again. he's never coming back.
alright. i'm done with the self pity now.

if you're still with me through all my whining and complaining let me know.
questions or comments i'm totally open, just keep it nice please

letters to an absent one

dear you,
i think there's a part of me that hates you.
now before you get offended, let me explain.
see i've spent the last few years being either your best friend or your worst enemy, except, even when we were friends somehow i still WAS the enemy.
I was the one in the wrong when i was finally happy with someone i needed in my life.
i was the bad one for being with the one you liked. the one you wouldn't have known if it wasn't for me.
why am i always the bad guy?
but see the thing is that i don't believe i was. Who was the one creeping around with him behind my back all that time? see that's one thing i'd never do. especially not to someone i called my best friend.
and then you said that you couldn't be bothered to worry about me. thanks for that. maybe i didn't want you to worry. maybe i just wanted you to acknowledge that i finally got MY adventure. After all that time staying at home when my best friends were adventuring around i finally got my chance. yet, my so called best friend couldn't acknowledge that. and then yet again, you were with him.
and i try to tell you, why i'm upset, why i'm frustrated, and once again i'm the bad guy.
but how am i the bad one if i'm the one still making an effort even though you've backstabbed me more times than i can count?
sometimes i miss you. even though i've gone off and had my adventure, and i'm surrounded by more people i still feel alone. i've lost everything that tied me here. i already lost one friend this past year, and then i lost you too. for him. how ridiculous. and how alone that makes me feel.
maybe i'm the bad one for posting this where everyone can see if they want to.
but, i think for once, it's time people see it from my point of view. it's time they see that i'm NOT the villian.
there was once a time when i'd sign this off <3 me
but not anymore.
now i'll just say,
me

what if

do you ever think about what ifs? what could have been if only something was done differently.
like sometimes i think, what if i didn't choose to go to the high school i did, how would my life be different.. would i still know the same people?
what if i hadn't kissed my best friend? would we have ended up together anyway? what if, what if, what if...
what if, i hadn't exploded and finally spoken my mind? would i still have a friend? or would instead i hate myself for holding it in? or would i have eventually ended up letting loose anyway?
what if, what if, what if...
what if i hadn't have applied to school?
or better yet, what if i had applied with the rest of my classmates? how would my life be different then?
would i have been happy with that decision? maybe. maybe i'd still have someone important in my life...
what if, i had said yes to the guy i met this semester? what would be happening now when i'm returning to the 802?
what ifs take up a lot of my thought, but in the end, i can't change it. i can only use it as a lesson to grab every opportunity so i can ask what if i hadn't in stead of what if i had....

semester over

DONE!
last semester officially over!
it's weird to think that i'm just finishing the semester and everyone else is finishing the year but hey... i like to do things my way!
looking forward to seeing my parents later tonight though NOT looking forward to the 17 hour drive back home tomorrow...
802 here i come!

btw if people actually ARE reading this.. let me know you're out here listening!!

finals lead to reflection

I made this for me to ramble. I guess you could call it my online journal...which when you really get down to it is what a blog is supposed to be isn't it?

So i guess what'll happen is from time to time i'l reflect on my life and what's going through my head, or heart that day.


I suppose i ought to start off with an introduction to me, but since i'm writing this for me, and i don't even know who i am, that seems pointless.

Right now i'm supposed to be working on my last paper for finals.
Yep. Tomorrows my last day of my first semester of college. Crazy.
The weirdest thing is that even though i'm done with this semester i still feel so incomplete.

M work has been ok, better than i thought i would be, but i still feel like i haven't accomplished what i wanted to.

I wanted to make lifelong friends, have people i could hang out with, eat with in the caf, hell maybe even form something stronger than friendship with one.
I wanted to go to parties to be that "It girl" that i think inside at some time or another every girl wants to be.
Yet, i've been so incredibly anti-social. Yeah i have friends that i talk to inside of class but never out of it.
That's not to say i haven't had some crazy college experiences this semester. My first month here was kinda insane. I went a little crazy, just because i could. And a lot of that had to do with getting over the reason that if i'm honest with myself, i came here for.

Today, a kid from one of my classes said he'd definitely look for me next semester. He said he liked being around me because i was always so happy for no reason.

and my instinctive reply was to say that in fact, i'm one of the least happy people i know.
but of course being me i had to say it while laughing.

If these are supposed to be the best years of my life..... why do i still feel so.... disconnected, and wrong??