new year

New year, same rules. 

Yeah that's right. Same rules. I'm not changing anything. Because I learned a lot from 2013, and I went through a lot, and for all it's ups and downs it wasn't bad. I don't make resolutions. I pick a quote instead, to guide me and kind of be my motto for the year. In 2012 it was "not all those who wander are lost" and in 2013 it was "it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." So what is it this year? "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" 

To remind me not to keep bad company. To not ignore harmful relationships, and all the drama that comes with them. To remind me that I don't need to change for anyone, because if they truly loved ME, they would love me for who I truly am. 

who you are

how do you know when you've finally discovered who you are?
or can you ever know?
we as humans are ever changing entities, the person i was this time last year seems practically non existant.
Yet at the time i thought i was ME. so is me ever changing? i must be. change is the only thing that's constant right?

flames

tonight the sky was on fire, the trees are on fire, and my soul is on fire
not a fire, but a flame, and it is going out like my spirit
there is a flame at the end of my cigarette and it is killing me one beautiful dragon breath at a time.
like water for chocolate, there are matches within all of us,  lit when we contain too much emotion, burning us out bit by bit, and finally there is nothing left but an empty match box, a shell.
and i will continue to burn bit by bit, dying down slowly and going out with one final brilliant burst. a flame.

maybe i was right before...

i like college. it's a pretty neat place. that being said I'm glad i decided to come and "further my education" BUT i also can say that i was happier doing my own thing.
college has it's benefits. a degree is a pretty helpful thing in our world now, and being surrounded by people who like you have made the decision to attend the same place. like that whole first day speech " you already have something in common with all these people. they too have decided to enhance their lives by continuing their education, and they too, have chosen this fine establishment in which to do that in."
yeah yeah blah blah blah.
it's come to my attention lately that a lot of what college does is preach college. but there's really no need to do that, we're already here.
i had a day a while back where i was in my psych class and my teacher was talking to us about this thing called "emerging adulthood" (a pretty neat topic if you ask me), and the conversation turned to how some people are denied this stage in their lives, and those of is most likely to have this stage were likely to enter secondary education. ok that's cool i see that. and then she was talking about some of the benefits of coming to college. and that's where i started to get frustrated. "people come to college to be able to learn more  about other cultures and ways" "people come to college to become more open-minded" "people who don't continue their education won't be as open to new ideas and cultures because they haven't been exposed to them"
UM HELLO? college is just an OPTION.
as someone who never wanted to attend, i can be pretty clear on this. IT'S AN OPTION. you do not HAVE to attend college. you could go to trade school ( like my father did), you could create your own business, you could travel.... there are other options out there. and guess what? college will always be an option.
what annoyed me about this statement was that she was proceeding to tell us (in a pretty close-minded way if you ask me) that college is about opening your mind.
does anyone else spot the contradiction? please say yes so i don't feel like a crazy over-reactive bitch.
it happened again today in an event i had to attend for psych class. though he was annoying me for other reasons as well ( like referring to children with aspergers syndrome as "aspies." personally i found it not very PC. you're a professional in your field. use correct terminology, not potentially offensive slang please.)
anyway. yeah. lately more and more often i'm wishing i wasn't in school. sure i'm "learning" but honestly a lot of this isn't really... gonna be helpful or useful in the long run. and we're paying a shit ton for this. Honestly my experience in Spain taught me a lot more than this. and i was happier too!
hmmm

3 am

It's three am and I ought to sleep. I want to sleep. But memories of you keep me lying awake. Remembering what it felt like to be held, to fall asleep wrapped in your arms, the one place I ever felt safe. The place you told me was safe.

Remembering what it felt like to need you. That physical urge tugging and tugging, molding myself closer and closer to you until finally we were one, and I was released into a spiral of love and peace and calm. 

Rediscovering love in a bed of ferns, blanketed by the sun, and feeding on each other. Holding you close to me, feeling your heart beat, and hearing you say it beat for me. 

Remembering what it was like to be loved. 

And now I can no longer feel the power of that emotion. It slips through my fingers, and I watch it go, scared it's leaving but even more terrified to try and make it stay.

Because I no longer fall asleep wrapped in your arms. I no longer feel safe. I no longer have you. And so it's three in the morning and I do not sleep. I feel, I ache, I remember.

loyalty

sometimes you're faced with a really hard decision.
sometimes you know something and you know that it could affect someone else, someone you're close to.
sometimes you were involved in those somethings you know. even if you yourself didn't do anything to betray anyone.
but what do you do after it's all been said and done.
do you fess up? knowing that whoever could be affected by it deserves to know?
or when you're sure that they'd never find out otherwise, do you just let it be?
me? i'm the kind of person who fesses up. loyalty and trust are really important to me.
i live by a general rule of  "would i want this to happen to me?"
meaning that if i wouldn't want it happening to me i wouldn't do it to anyone else.
i've known people in the past who aren't so great at following this. who have a different moral code than i do. which is fine. ethics are different for every person. you can't just make one rule and expect it to apply to everyone equally. it doesn't work like that.
but i live by a "do unto others mindset"
that doesn't make it any easier to fess up, when you know something. it's still almost impossible to do. i'll admit sometimes i get a little selfish and think what the reaction towards ME will be. will i be a rat? will i be seen in a bad light? will i no longer have this person in my life?
but my loyalty is to my friends and myself. and if they don't want me in their life, then i as a friend must respect that.
but why does it have to be so hard?!?!?!

craving that bite

i thought this was over.
this empty, vacant, knotted feeling. it's been so long since i last fought myself.
i was happy. oddly enough.
and now..it's back.
this feeling of loneliness.
emptiness
knotted.
nauseous but with nothing to vomit up.
and i'm sitting here trying to block it out. to find something to take my mind off of it.
it's not working.
so now i'm clenching my fists, struggling to find the words to write this, and doing my best to focus on something other than the biting pain that i know fixes this.
and it's hard.
it's really, really hard.

back to the grind

i reallllly hope that now i'm back at school and not working 24/7 i'll be able to keep up with this. i mean it's for me because no one really reads this haha.
anyway. back at school. blah blah blah.
what's really on my mind?
health (excercise, smoking, diet)
food (i'm hungry)
hooping
homework (ew back at school)
adventuring downtown
running into people from my past downtown

and i'm lonely. and honestly a little worried the depressions coming back.
that feeling of emptiness and loneliness, and apathy. feeling tired ALL the time.
that's how i feel lately. at least when i'm not hooping!
that seems to be the only thing that really makes me happy these days. but i think part of that is that it keeps me busy. i'm focusing so hard on whatever trick i'm attempting, or the tempo of the music so i can move with it.
hooping is a lot of fun you guys. i've always loved hula hoops. but this summer when i finally picked one up again it was incredible. and now i'm getting really into it. i wanna hoop dance. and it's HARD, but fun. and such a good work out!
now i'm honestly just rambling...
ah well.

one month later...

sooooo i really suck at keeping up with stuff. but hey, if you know me, you know that's just how i am.
anyway. the summer is almost over. i'm on my last week of work for the summer, which i am super psyched about!
this summer made me feel like a housewife, haha. i've been a counselor, a cook, and the "dishwasher/cleaner"
i started off the summer as a counselor and i loved it as always. i have a gift for working with kids. i guess because i am a kid at heart still. i mean don't get me wrong, i can totally associate with adults, but there's a different sort of energy that comes from kids. that wide eyed excitement, and fascination with everything new. that constantly changing emotion, where one second they can be sobbing from sadness, fear, or exhaustion, and the next running and laughing and playing like nothing ever happened. i admire that. often i wish it was that easy for me to be happy again. but being around that kind of energy that comes from kids, makes me happy again.
cooking was something new this summer, and i was pretty surprised at how much i liked it. there's something kind of soothing about chopping things. and even though i say i was cooking, in all honesty i do mostly prep, so yes, i chop a lot. i can't even count the number of tomatoes i've cut up this week alone... and there was one day i mixed 18 boxes of pancake mix. EIGHTEEN BOXES. that's a lot of pancakes you guys.
then i went back to my usual ( and dreaded) kitchen job. cleaning, and doing dishes. guys, i HATE that job. like it's the kind of job that makes me want to run away and never come back. it's the kind of job that makes me lock myself in the refrigerator three times a day (at least) and scream. it's dirty, sweaty, and hard. but that's not why i don't like it. no. it's the fact that there is absolutely no appreciation or respect. i am just the girl in the kitchen. the girl who cleans up after them.
i don't mind doing the dirty work. in fact i kind of pride myself on the fact that i can do it. but if there's one thing that's important to me it's respect. and yeah i've had moments of disrespect towards other people, and i am ashamed of those moments.
it just really grinds my gears that when i do so much for people, they still just walk all over me. even my boss. she doesn't fully understand what she's asking from me, and only points out what i've not done yet.  yet, when i step down from that job for a week or two, the people who take over from me get a lot of help, smiles, and appreciation from her. why is it that i am not given that same attitude?
i don't mean to bitch. it's just something that has really been grinding my gears lately.
anyway. with all the work i haven't exactly had time for a summer vacation ya know? which honestly isn't that bad either, considering that i have no one to spend time with anyway.
i'm officially a loner. which yeah, isn't always fun. but.... c'est la vie.

One is the loneliest number

Haven't had fantastic access to Internet lately so I haven't posted in a long time.

I've had so many different things I want to talk about but I keep forgetting or deciding that they sound too whiny... 

But when I look deeper at everything I guess it comes down to loneliness and how I combat it, or why I feel so lonely, what made it that way, and why I didn't feel like this before. 

I think I've reached a point where I've pushed everyone away. I don't want them getting close, getting to know me. They won't like me. They won't stay. No one has before. 

I don't like that I've become this brick wall of a person. Hell I don't really even feel like a person at all. More like an object. Something people waste their time on when there's nothing better around. And as soon as something better is found I'm left to be by myself again and wonder what I did wrong. I'm not a people pleaser. Far from it. But if I really care about someone I'll do everything I can for them. And it sucks when you do that for someone who in the end decides you're just not worth it. 

So I like keeping to myself. Well, okay, I don't like it, but I tolerate it and I'm content. I'd rather keep to myself than deal with all these fake people pretending they like me when it's clear I'm a back up plan. 

Even the people I live with. I'm an object. More like a robot so I can work and all that. But I don't feel like a real person to them either. 

I wanted this year to find myself. I know that's a lifetimes journey but I wanted to at least stop feeling so lost and confused. I'm not anymore. I've accomplished that much. I know who I am. But why can't I let anyone else know that either?  And why can't I know who I am with somebody? Not even relationship wise. I'm do e with those for a while. I was hurt really badly and I don't intend to go through that again for a long time. No, I just want someone I can be me with, let everything go. Not have to fake things or hide, not feel like I have to keep my mouth shut for fear of being judged. I think they call them friends...

motives and what they make us

so you believe in motiveless action?
like is it possible to do something for no reason, and do we ever?
what is a motiveless action? things we do simply by instinct? like breathing or eating? but those have motive too.
so what about times where we make kinda dumb decisions? and later we say that it was nothing. is it?
there must be some underlying thought or feeling driving you to do what you did.
it's why i don't believe that cheating is something that you can justify by saying it meant nothing. but it wouldn't have happened if you wanted it to. you wanted it. you did it. you meant it.

i've been doing a bit of thinking this weekend, about some of my actions, and feelings and the motives behind them. often times i'll do something, and know it's rash (and oftentimes unnecessary), but i'll do it anyway. thinking back i look at a lot that i've done just to spite people. just to be able to say "hey! you don't want me?! they do!" or "i don't need someone like you in my life because all you do is villianise me"
*note- not sure if villianise is a word or if it is if i've spelled it correctly. look it up later*
the concept of a rebel is probably a good one with my parents. though i'll admit oftentimes the things i do that drive them the craziest are things that i want for me, not to upset them. i challenge them, push them to their limits.
but in other cases? i'll admit, when i'm upset with someone i subconciously put a fair amount of effort into upsetting them. i don't do it to hurt them. just to make them think of me. sounds kinda sketch doesn't it. kinda, psychopath behavior?? oh dear.

anyway. the point is that i've been looking at a lot of my actions and realizing that there were some terrible motives within them. and those motives, no matter how aware of them i really was at the time, made me a bully.

that's not ok. bullying is not ok. it's become such a huge issue in our society, and i'm glad that it's finally being noticed as a legitimate problem.  it is actually hurting people. whether you're physically bullying someone, or verbally bullying them. whether you are messing with them, physically, emotionally, or mentally, you are messing with them. potentially scarring them for the rest of their life. you are manipulating them. and honestly i believe, trying to take away the happiness of another simply because you are not happy either.
that's when i've realized that i do it.

so anyway the other day an old friend of mine was presenting a senior project on bullying, and it got me thinking. and i realized that an awful lot of that negative attitude and behavior had gone towards her recently. quite possibly ( ok scratch that, definitely) a large part of why we no longer spoke.
as a part of her project she needed an interactive activity for people who came to her presentation.
one suck activity involved a template for writing poems from the point of view of two people. a bully, and the one being bullied.
i filled out the bully part first, and actually never moved on to the bullied, as i realized i at that momentt, identified more with the bully.
so here's what i came up with.
I AM powerful
I WONDER if i can ever stop
I HEAR silence as i walk by
I SEE power, control, dominance
I WANT to be known and to have control
I AM alone

I PRETEND i don't care
I FEEL numb and alone
I TOUCH the scars made at home
I WORRY i will never have control
I CRY when i'm alone
I AM dead inside

I UNDERSTAND i'm hurting them
I SAY i don't care
I DREAM of being one of them
I TRY to connect
I HOPE this ends
I AM powerless

now keep in mind that these were just my answers. these aren't trying to be from the point of view of every person. everyone feels differently.

anyway. the second part, which i'm planning on writing soon, is the same beginning words (in caps) just followed by the point of view of the one being bullied.

so, i leave you with this.... is there such a thing as motiveless action? have you ever committed a motiveless act?

I wish I could put down in words...

I wish I could put down in words just how you make me feel. 

I wish I could find a way to perfectly describe how I feel inside when you're around, and when you're absent. 

I wish it was possible for me to tell you these things or at least TRY to explain it. I wish it was possible for you to shut your mouth for once and listen. I mean really listen. To take it in, to process it, to think about where I'm coming from and why I am saying these things to you. 

I wish you'd acknowledge that there are other people, other opinions, other feelings that you have trampled all over without a care. I wish you could look at yourself, and then back at me and understand why I am the way I am around you. I wish you could see that all these things that you dislike in me were created by you. 

I am the makings of those around me. 

I am the makings of all of you. 

prom is totally overrated

prom. even the word makes me shudder. while to some people it's apparantly a dream, for me it's always been a nightmare. i mean who really wants to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress that you're going to wear once, shoes that are going to KILL your feet, hair that's just gonna fall down or be taken out the next day, or even as soon as you get home, and then getting piles and piles of make up caked on your face, all for what?
a couple hours of ridiculous dancing with a mess of people, the majority of whom you don't even know, or like. 

thank god the high school i went to didn't have a prom. granted that's cause if we did there'd be maybe.... 20 people. and that's a generous estimate....
i managed to get through my high school years without having to go through the torture of prom, but last night i attended the local public high schools prom, and it was quite possibly the most overrated thing i've ever seen. 

i mean yuck. just no. the whole concept must just go over my head, because the fact that people could be excited and wait their whole lives for something like that just blows my mind. 

what exactly is the draw of prom anyway?

can someone please explain it to me?

Removing masks

Sometimes it just gets so tiring pretending to be something you're not. You know? My whole life I've been wearing masks of one sort or another. When I was younger it was the shy mask. The one that I put on to make it be ok to be alone with a book all the time. I mean don't get me wrong, I loved reading and still do, but I still wanted to be a part of the group, be able to run around and say crazy things and be accepted for it not actually be looked at like I was crazy.

In high school it was a different mask, though I still haven't identified just what it was. And the past few years it's been the "everything's fine, I'm little miss sunshine" mask. 

Yes there are things that make me happy. Reading, and being around little kids. Little kids. I love them. Because everything in their world is ok. They don't have to be wearing masks, and their emotions are so fleeting and the smallest things can make them so happy. And they love everyone unconditionally. 

But I'm so often cut off from that, and I just don't know what to do. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I just want to run. To leave, to escape everything I've ever known and start over. To be able to leave this place I hate so much, these people who are so fake, and gahhh. 

Yes I want to escape it all. And I have my ways of doing it, but sometimes it just feels like it's never enough. 

But who's left to talk me down? What else is thee that I can stay for? 

I'll let you know when I find it. 

Usually it's obligations. Like this summer like a lot of recent past ones, I do not want to be here. But I made a promise to be here to work no matter how much I hate it, because I never go back on my word. 

I'm rambling.... 

I just needed to write, to get all this nonsense out of my system to calm down. To breathe. To stay.

memories suck sometimes

well, if any of you by some weird twist are reading this blog, and if by some weirder twist you have born with me through all my whining, and complaining, you are probably going to leave after this post.
this is self pity i suppose. and something i should be over.
i've been home for 4 days and already i'm resorting back to the rut i was in last fall. which was severe depression. for anyone who thinks i'm little miss sunshine, that might be a shock to hear. but anyone who really truly knows me knows that i've had some issues. but somehow i hold it together in front of all of you.
now that i'm back home, i've settled back into that. i think a lot of it is simply the fact that i'm so alone. or at least i feel that way.
there's a lot of memories floating around here, and they all revolve around one person and a span of two and a half years. i've known that i'm not over it no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise, no matter what i do.
today's sucked. for a stupid pathetic reason. three years ago today i kissed my best friend. which in turn led to those two and a half years of memories.
which is why today i'm sobbing and feeling sick to my stomach, and fighting the urge to self destruct.
i know how pathetic it sounds to self destruct because of a failed relationship, but it's more than that.
it stems from that. but that's not why.
i've spent years of my life feeling like i'm not good enough for anyone or anything. years. and in that relationship, i thought that maybe for the first time i was worth it to someone. then he decided i wasn't worth it.
when you lose the one thing that makes you feel safe, and like life is worth sticking around for... it's hard.
for the longest time he was the one that kept me from that pain. that sensation of burning stinging pain, leaving a permanent reminder of the moment. all i had to do was think of him and how disappointed and hurt he looked every time he saw a new mark, and i could stop and breathe, even though it was still a fight.
now though... who can i call? who can i turn to? who will make me calm down and breathe and realize that it's not what i want to do, that it's not the only option i have.
he said he still cared, and he would care if i hurt myself, but i no longer can go to him, to make me feel better.
and it makes me feel more alone than ever.
i know i remember and i'm upset, but i also know that it's so far from his mind and that he has no idea. and that he no longer thinks of me, no longer has the memories that i do, and that for him it's over, and never happening again. he's never coming back.
alright. i'm done with the self pity now.

if you're still with me through all my whining and complaining let me know.
questions or comments i'm totally open, just keep it nice please

letters to an absent one

dear you,
i think there's a part of me that hates you.
now before you get offended, let me explain.
see i've spent the last few years being either your best friend or your worst enemy, except, even when we were friends somehow i still WAS the enemy.
I was the one in the wrong when i was finally happy with someone i needed in my life.
i was the bad one for being with the one you liked. the one you wouldn't have known if it wasn't for me.
why am i always the bad guy?
but see the thing is that i don't believe i was. Who was the one creeping around with him behind my back all that time? see that's one thing i'd never do. especially not to someone i called my best friend.
and then you said that you couldn't be bothered to worry about me. thanks for that. maybe i didn't want you to worry. maybe i just wanted you to acknowledge that i finally got MY adventure. After all that time staying at home when my best friends were adventuring around i finally got my chance. yet, my so called best friend couldn't acknowledge that. and then yet again, you were with him.
and i try to tell you, why i'm upset, why i'm frustrated, and once again i'm the bad guy.
but how am i the bad one if i'm the one still making an effort even though you've backstabbed me more times than i can count?
sometimes i miss you. even though i've gone off and had my adventure, and i'm surrounded by more people i still feel alone. i've lost everything that tied me here. i already lost one friend this past year, and then i lost you too. for him. how ridiculous. and how alone that makes me feel.
maybe i'm the bad one for posting this where everyone can see if they want to.
but, i think for once, it's time people see it from my point of view. it's time they see that i'm NOT the villian.
there was once a time when i'd sign this off <3 me
but not anymore.
now i'll just say,
me

what if

do you ever think about what ifs? what could have been if only something was done differently.
like sometimes i think, what if i didn't choose to go to the high school i did, how would my life be different.. would i still know the same people?
what if i hadn't kissed my best friend? would we have ended up together anyway? what if, what if, what if...
what if, i hadn't exploded and finally spoken my mind? would i still have a friend? or would instead i hate myself for holding it in? or would i have eventually ended up letting loose anyway?
what if, what if, what if...
what if i hadn't have applied to school?
or better yet, what if i had applied with the rest of my classmates? how would my life be different then?
would i have been happy with that decision? maybe. maybe i'd still have someone important in my life...
what if, i had said yes to the guy i met this semester? what would be happening now when i'm returning to the 802?
what ifs take up a lot of my thought, but in the end, i can't change it. i can only use it as a lesson to grab every opportunity so i can ask what if i hadn't in stead of what if i had....

semester over

DONE!
last semester officially over!
it's weird to think that i'm just finishing the semester and everyone else is finishing the year but hey... i like to do things my way!
looking forward to seeing my parents later tonight though NOT looking forward to the 17 hour drive back home tomorrow...
802 here i come!

btw if people actually ARE reading this.. let me know you're out here listening!!

finals lead to reflection

I made this for me to ramble. I guess you could call it my online journal...which when you really get down to it is what a blog is supposed to be isn't it?

So i guess what'll happen is from time to time i'l reflect on my life and what's going through my head, or heart that day.


I suppose i ought to start off with an introduction to me, but since i'm writing this for me, and i don't even know who i am, that seems pointless.

Right now i'm supposed to be working on my last paper for finals.
Yep. Tomorrows my last day of my first semester of college. Crazy.
The weirdest thing is that even though i'm done with this semester i still feel so incomplete.

M work has been ok, better than i thought i would be, but i still feel like i haven't accomplished what i wanted to.

I wanted to make lifelong friends, have people i could hang out with, eat with in the caf, hell maybe even form something stronger than friendship with one.
I wanted to go to parties to be that "It girl" that i think inside at some time or another every girl wants to be.
Yet, i've been so incredibly anti-social. Yeah i have friends that i talk to inside of class but never out of it.
That's not to say i haven't had some crazy college experiences this semester. My first month here was kinda insane. I went a little crazy, just because i could. And a lot of that had to do with getting over the reason that if i'm honest with myself, i came here for.

Today, a kid from one of my classes said he'd definitely look for me next semester. He said he liked being around me because i was always so happy for no reason.

and my instinctive reply was to say that in fact, i'm one of the least happy people i know.
but of course being me i had to say it while laughing.

If these are supposed to be the best years of my life..... why do i still feel so.... disconnected, and wrong??