memories suck sometimes

well, if any of you by some weird twist are reading this blog, and if by some weirder twist you have born with me through all my whining, and complaining, you are probably going to leave after this post.
this is self pity i suppose. and something i should be over.
i've been home for 4 days and already i'm resorting back to the rut i was in last fall. which was severe depression. for anyone who thinks i'm little miss sunshine, that might be a shock to hear. but anyone who really truly knows me knows that i've had some issues. but somehow i hold it together in front of all of you.
now that i'm back home, i've settled back into that. i think a lot of it is simply the fact that i'm so alone. or at least i feel that way.
there's a lot of memories floating around here, and they all revolve around one person and a span of two and a half years. i've known that i'm not over it no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise, no matter what i do.
today's sucked. for a stupid pathetic reason. three years ago today i kissed my best friend. which in turn led to those two and a half years of memories.
which is why today i'm sobbing and feeling sick to my stomach, and fighting the urge to self destruct.
i know how pathetic it sounds to self destruct because of a failed relationship, but it's more than that.
it stems from that. but that's not why.
i've spent years of my life feeling like i'm not good enough for anyone or anything. years. and in that relationship, i thought that maybe for the first time i was worth it to someone. then he decided i wasn't worth it.
when you lose the one thing that makes you feel safe, and like life is worth sticking around for... it's hard.
for the longest time he was the one that kept me from that pain. that sensation of burning stinging pain, leaving a permanent reminder of the moment. all i had to do was think of him and how disappointed and hurt he looked every time he saw a new mark, and i could stop and breathe, even though it was still a fight.
now though... who can i call? who can i turn to? who will make me calm down and breathe and realize that it's not what i want to do, that it's not the only option i have.
he said he still cared, and he would care if i hurt myself, but i no longer can go to him, to make me feel better.
and it makes me feel more alone than ever.
i know i remember and i'm upset, but i also know that it's so far from his mind and that he has no idea. and that he no longer thinks of me, no longer has the memories that i do, and that for him it's over, and never happening again. he's never coming back.
alright. i'm done with the self pity now.

if you're still with me through all my whining and complaining let me know.
questions or comments i'm totally open, just keep it nice please